I’ve carried these words with me for more than two decades now. They’ve been my answer for every difficult period in my life. When my heart wrenches or an unfathomable choice lies ahead, I recite these words in my mind and they bring me peace.
You may think it’s skirting responsibility to say that, or adopting a self-centered perspective, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, this mindset is about absorbing the pain of poor choices and inscribing it onto my heart so that I can never forget. It is taking that responsibility and not wishing it away or pretending things could have been different. It’s accepting that you were that person in that moment and choosing to chart a better course.
What are regrets? Perceived mistakes - decisions you wish you’d made differently. In most cases, it’s because the outcome was so horrible, it upended your life in ways you can’t even begin to know. But I choose to not believe in mistakes. Every step we take in our lives is bringing us forward onto a path closer to who we and where we are meant to be. Our decisions shape us, for better or worse, and we should never shy away from the consequences. As long as we are learning, we are growing.
The heaviness felt when you’ve indescribably harmed someone… should never be taken for granted. To carry it for as long as you can is what allows you to become a better person. The past cannot be changed; only our futures are malleable. Spending too much time obsessing about how things might have been different only serves to shackle us to a miserable present.
I’ve hurt a lot of people in my lifetime. Unintentionally, I’d like to think, but certainly so. Growing up over the years with a whirlwind of untenable emotions and a never ending onslaught of chaotic relationships with people who may have not always had my best interests in mind made me likely interesting, but intense, and difficult. And I surely haven’t shed those layers enough to be completely free, but I have to look forward and try my best to not fall back down those paths again. My past defines me, but I try not to let it control me.
This holds true for more than just horrible decisions, though. This mindset, likely coupled with decades-long undiagnosed ADHD’s impulsivity, has also made me brave. Or maybe stupid, I don’t know. I don’t often think twice about making rash decisions that are unfavorable to my position. I have always believed in doing the right thing, no matter how much it hurts me, or how afraid I am of the aftermath.
And it can also be for bittersweet outcomes as well - taking the leap on romance, an impromptu roadtrip, quitting your job suddenly, throwing rationality aside to follow your heart. Even when all that’s left are memories, for me, they will never be considered regrets.
I’ve often been told I have a pessimistic nature, and I don’t argue that my humor certainly buries itself in the dark. And there have surely been many times where this bitter earth has eclipsed my ability to see ahead before the light peeked through once more, but I have never been anything but someone who searches for silver linings. Who believes that things happen for a reason, be it cosmic or coincidence. We all came from stardust and to stardust we will return - it’s up to us to make the most and the best of what we’ve been given.
It’s 2am - the window is cracked, and a cool breeze is filling the room while the gentle rhythm of rain patters softly on the leaves of the trees just outside. The trees, green and tall, that surround my home and shade the animals that come to rest in my garden. Beanju sits comfortably next to me on a pillow, warm and belly full. In this moment, I am free, I am healthy, I am happy. I am at peace. Even the slightest change of the most insignificant event in my past, let alone something monumental, may have altered my course to where I wasn’t existing here with this moment.
And that, is No Regrets.
